The Best Thing You Can Do When Someone Tries to Control You by Donald Miller

I love this article by Donald Miller (I just appreciate him in general)!!!

I have known a few bullies during my childhood and several as an adult.  I have also known people with major control issues. And sometimes I didn't even realize they were controlling until a lot of time has past. We all have challenges but I really think Donald Miller's advice is spot on. I think you can tell a controlling person very obviously but sometimes they are subtle. I can always tell a controlling person by their reaction when I don't take their advice. They do not like that (to say the least). And they are the least likely to take advice themselves.  Anyway, I am taking his advice below and I hope it helps you too! Wellness in relationships is critical.


The Best Thing You Can Do When Someone Tries to Control You
By Donald Miller


We all have to face them from time to time. Even as adults, bullies stumble across our paths. They’re loud, obnoxious, make shocking statements and have no perception of social boundaries. Bullies must have the world their way, and if you don’t see the world their way, they see you as an enemy.

Bullies love to entangle you in their world. Bullies get validation one of two ways.

1. Getting you to submit to them as the authority figure (even in areas where they have no authority) or
2. Feeling powerful by frustrating the lives of people who won’t submit.


The best thing you can do with a bully is to completely ignore them. They’ll use drama and demands to scare you, but don’t worry, if they don’t have any real authority, there’s nothing they can do. Just don’t return the call, text message, dark stare or email. Sooner or later they’ll move on to somebody else.

Nothing will frustrate them more, but if you aren’t making them feel more powerful, they’ll lose interest.

Still, many have to work with bullies or even have them as family members.

What do you do about bullies you simply must interact with?

Here are some tips:

1. Put distance between their demands and your compliance. If at all possible, respond to their dramatic demands with statements like, “I’ll think about that and get back to you.”

Take a couple days before you let them know what you’re going to do.

Honestly ask yourself what you want. Bullies don’t want you to think about yourself, they want you to fear them so you’ll comply to their need for power. Sooner or later, the bully will get tired of your unwillingness to fear them and comply. They’ll move on.

And honestly, they’ll actually respect you.

They won’t like you, but they’ll respect you. Bullies secretly loathe the people who always comply with them.

2. Let it be known they’re hard to work with. Don’t gossip or counter-attack, but if they work on your team, let the leader of the team or your boss know that a member of your team has a bullying personality and it’s affecting morale.

Often, bullies gain power because they get so much done for a company, but there is always a downside: Morale sinks, people hate coming to work and so on.

If your boss never knows about the bullies downside, they won’t count the cost.

If you politely and appropriately let them know, sooner or later they’ll have to consider letting the bully go.

3. Don’t Counter-Attack. Bullies are born for war. They secretly believe people are out to get them and have likely felt that way since childhood. In other words, they’ve spent a lifetime scheming ways to control everybody around them so they won’t get hurt again.

You, on the other hand, haven’t spent much time at all wondering how to control people. Who do you think is going to win that fight?

They are.

So don’t fight with them. When having a conversation about a famous bully-pastor we both know, my friend Chris Seay recommended walking away from him. If you wrestle with the pigs, you both get dirty.

So let’s not counter attack.

In summary: Avoid them if you can. Ignore them if you must and don’t feel bad about it.

Place time between their demands and your personal decision as to whether you want to comply. As much time as possible.

Let it be known to the appropriate authorities that you don’t like working with them.

Don’t gossip. Be respectful.

Don’t counter-attack. You’ll lose. You aren’t wired the way they are. Just ignore them and be happy.

Sorry you’re dealing with a bully. Make wise decisions and don’t stoop to their level. You’re likely to come out better for the experience.